
After:

It still needs another coat or two of shiny white paint... but it's looking much better. I used Dulux Aquanamel High Gloss in Vivid White in case anyone out there is wondering.
My carpenter said that they *might* come out "alright" after a sand and polish, but the problem was that almost half of the boards in the spare room, a good portion of the boards in the main bedroom and almost all of the boards in the hallway needed to be replaced due to warping and water (read: dog pee) damage.
What to do?
My options were to: